Psalms 78-84

Psalms 78-84

Well, more Psalms as per usual.  It hasn’t been too bad though, just bland.  Stick with me.  Some day we’ll get to the New Testament, you’ll see.  Where there are no cats and the roads are paved with cheese.

1 Samuel 24-1 Samuel 26

1 Samuel 24-1 Samuel 26

Well Saul is the laziest king there is.  He just can’t sit still and do king stuff for ten minutes without storming out to go kill David for no reason.  Then again, with how much of an entitled prick David ends up being, I’m starting to sympathize…

1 Samuel 16-1 Samuel 19

1 Samuel 16-1 Samuel 19

Me vs the bible is like David and Goliath.  The bible is this Goliath of shit, this monstrous piece of garbage, and I’m like David.  Except I really don’t think I could just throw a small stone at the problem and have it die instantly.  Alas.

Deuteronomy 1-3

Deuteronomy 1-3

Apparently not realizing that he had already written about it 2 times in his ETERNAL book, Moses proceeds to summarize everything the Israelites have done…. again…  in his eternal book…. which will be around forever…  he repeated himself again…

Numbers 30-32

Numbers 30-32

Moses, being told he’s going to die after his people destroy the Midianites, proceeds to wage the slowest war ever conceived; God makes a killing off of killing; Moses is somehow STILL alive after all this, plus 40 years of wandering, much to our dismay.

Numbers 26-29

Numbers 26-29

Moses is in disbelief.  You work with a guy 40 plus years and he stabs you in the back first chance he gets.  I mean Moses went to god’s Christmas party every single year.  Brought wine.  Never came empty handed.  And now this.  You think you know a guy.

Numbers 1-3

Numbers 1-3

And once again… I’M BACK!  God is back to his incredibly dull and repetitive ways as we start a very mysteriously named book.  As page after page of infallible scripture goes by, we are left with one soul wrenching question about it, which is WHO CARES!

Leviticus 18-21

Leviticus 18-21

Hey Moses, it’s God.  You got a minute?  Yeah I just thought of a bunch more crap you can’t do.  Grab a pen.  The bible makes the incredibly profound moral declaration that we cannot have sex with any of our relatives.  I’m so glad he told us that.

Leviticus 12-14

Leviticus 12-14

I’m BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!@$!%)#~!1`471289!  This was fun.  Let’s do it again next week.  Oh a summary, you ask?  Well not really anything happened.  There was a bit about how disgusting women are after they give birth, and then a lot about leprosy.  A LOT…

Big New Schedule Announcement!

Hey everyone.

After some schedule changes and stuff, I realized that it’s going to be impossible for me to maintain the 5 ep a week schedule.  I think I got a bit excited about the idea and got a little overzealous.  I really do want to continue at this pace and finish in a year, but I have to realize it’s not going to be possible.

So, I am going to have to cut it down to a weekly episode.  That’s right, it will now take the rest of my natural life to get through this whole thing.  I could see upping this to two episodes a week, possibly.. but I think this will be for the best though, because I won’t have to rush the episode to keep it at like 30-45 minutes.  Since it’s only one a week, I can take my sweet time.  If this kills anyone, let me know.  Feel free to comment here and tell me this is ruining your life.

Thanks a lot and I’ll see you with a fresh episode soon, I promise.

Leviticus 8-11

Leviticus 8-11

If I had a dime for every time the bible repeated itself I would be one rich dude.  God shamelessly murders two of his followers for nothing;  I really can’t get a handle for why god sometimes just leaves crap alone, but other times he shoots to kill…

Leviticus 1-3

Leviticus 1-3

Starting Leviticus!  Yay!  It’s out of the gates fast with the great home recipes for your very own animal sacrifice!  These high fat, high cholesterol sacrificial recipes will please even your most angry god, and of course the priests take their cut…

Exodus 36-40

Exodus 36-40

I can’t even tell you what happens in this podcast.  No really.  It’s too painful.  Just imagine the worst possible thing that could ever happen to a podcast.  Yeah, that’s what happened in this one.  I want to punch Moses in the face harder than possible

Exodus 33-35

Exodus 33-35

So god is super pissed at his chosen people for being so worthless, but they are in luck because they have Moses, who has the virtue of being completely ordinary.  Persuaded by Moses’ mundaneness, god is appeased and accepts them back into his life.

Exodus 29-32

Exodus 29-32

Last podcast was the worst podcast ever created, but this podcast is the GREATEST one ever created.  It’s so good that it is proof of god.  Because how could there be a good podcast without a god?  Anyway, we get to the golden calf.  HILARIOUS!

Exodus 26-28

Exodus 26-28

This is the worst podcast anyone has ever made.  I really, strongly, emphatically ask you not to listen to it.  I have never read something as stupid and boring and everything as this reading.  I am dumbfounded by it.  Please don’t listen, I beg you.

Exodus 21-25

Exodus 21-25

Lots more of the pointless Law; I mean lots more;  no really, a crapload more;  god spells out to PRECISE detail how he needs his ark of the covenant to be made, and I wonder why he didn’t take some care to protect and maintain it then…

Exodus 13-16

Exodus 13-16

More episodes in the ridiculous saga that is the fake exodus:  even though every one is dead in Egypt, the Pharaoh somehow gets an army to do after the Israelites; said army is mounted on horses that were also killed in previous chapters; and more recap.

Exodus 1-4

Exodus 1-4

Exodus is as hilarious as the end of Genesis wasn’t!  There’s a new sheriff in Egypt and he doesn’t take kindly to Hebrews; we are introduced to the SO impressive burning bush; God nearly murders Moses’ son before his mom performs some ridiculous heroics.

Genesis 35-38

Genesis 35-38

Starts off pretty uneventful; more recounting of generations which couldn’t be more pointless or boring.  It picks up later though as Joseph and his colored coat first appear.  Joseph proves to be a real idiot.  Judah proves to be an immoral douche.

Genesis 32-34

Genesis 32-34

When he’s not pointlessly naming things left and right, Jacob is busy getting busy with rent boys.  Just goes to show the many ways in which the bible inspires Republican congressmen.  Then things become much less funny.  Really.  The bible is horrible.

Podcast is up and running!

Hey everyone,

I have released the introductory podcast and episode 1.  I will be releasing an episode per work day from here on out.  It’s about a 45 minute podcast per day, which may be a lot for some of you, but in order to reach my goal of getting through the bible in a year, it has to be that way.  Please listen and enjoy!!

Ok I just re-listened to Episode 1 and I’d just like to say that it definitely took me a minute to get used to this medium.  I still think it is funny and worth listening to, but I get much better at it as I go along!  So bear with me!