Almost something, but no, still nothing in reality. I hate this book so much.
Well the bible totally failed, so I did a little special episode where I talked about some random stuff and my cat. Hope you enjoy!
More blah blah but God blessed us with one of the biggest douche bag moves ever. Such an annoying douche.
Well we finally have a king who got rid of the high places. Doesn't seem like he got much for it though. Also, boring.
A-hole, son of d-bag, was fine except still pissed off the lord. So he eventually died. WHY DON'T YOU READ IT IN THE CHRONICLES, JEEZ!
Well more of nothing happened. First the was a king, and he was kind of good but bad in some way, and repeat that over and over and over. This book still sucks horribly.
More crap and some crappy crap, but DEFINITELY no cat. There will be NO cats on this show ever. There are no cats in America.
If I had to summarize this reading in one word it would be "this book sucks." It's crap, it's crap, and it's crap. Some day another testament will take me away from all this, I hope.
The Israelites suck some more, but we have one of the best endings to a chapter ever. You really need to listen for this one.
More adventures of Elijah, and then Ahab who is actually totally cool is obviously hated by the lord of dickery. What an asshole.
So now some boring kings fall into a pattern of coming into power, being corrupt, and being killed. Rinse. Repeat. And then we get introduced to Elijah who has the tiniest potential to be maybe somewhat interesting some day.
So Solomon has passed and now his boring kingdom has been boringly split up. Some boring people are going to argue over it, boringly. And then a weird story about some prophets. And god shows incredibly poor judgment.
Today we learn more about Solomon. He does almost nothing but collect a ton of gold, bang chicks and then dies. Wow, he's like the original gangster. Except that he didn't die as a result of foul play.. Still. Anyway he's the best king so far.
Today we get one chapter of totally boring construction tips, and then a chapter of a prayer. I feel like I had kind of a breakthrough in this one though. Tune in to find out what that was!
Alright so Solomon has become king, and now he has to do a bunch of boring things to set up his kingdom. EXCITING. It's hard to stop doing ironic capitalization. It's always funny. Or at least somewhat funny. Kinda chuckly. I'M NOT STOPPING.
Gavid is passing on, finally. It's time for someone to take over his fabulous reign! Who will it be? It's one of his two sons. KILLER CLIFFHANGER!!!!! You'll have to tune in to find out which one.
We've reached the end of David's reign of terror (I think). In this episode we see the gritty sequel to David and Goliath; 2 David 2 Goliath. It's more action packed and gives you everything the first one lacked.
As one rebellion is squashed, another one rises. That's what happens when you're a terrible king I guess. Guys, check out the live stream. It's lots of fun.
Joab pulls a fast but totally obvious one on David to get him to invite Absalom back, but this proves to be a bad decision when Absalom totally ruins David's life and takes over his kingdom and stuff. Stupid Joab. Idiot.
2 Samuel 11-2 Samuel 13
Well it didn't take long for David to turn into a complete douche. I guess the loss of your boyfriend can do that. Anyway then there's some incest that happens.
This is my first UStreamed episode! Check out the stream and I will be broadcasting all future episodes live! Anyway, David continues to act fabulously and stuff. Bible.
When the dust settles in the war between Saul and David, who will be left standing? Well, David it turns out, but not really because he did anything, except mourn the loss of his gay lover Jonathan; another casualty of this cruel, boring war.
We are finishing first Samuel today! Can't wait to move on to second Samuel, even though Samuel is still quite dead. Saul travels to the forest moon of Endor to see an Ewok who can produce a hologram of Samuel for him to talk to.
Well Saul is the laziest king there is. He just can't sit still and do king stuff for ten minutes without storming out to go kill David for no reason. Then again, with how much of an entitled prick David ends up being, I'm starting to sympathize...
David and Jonathan continue their gay relationship right under Saul's nose. Meanwhile Saul completely disregards his duties as king in order to chase David around the galaxy trying to kill him for no reason.
Me vs the bible is like David and Goliath. The bible is this Goliath of shit, this monstrous piece of garbage, and I'm like David. Except I really don't think I could just throw a small stone at the problem and have it die instantly. Alas.
We have a very famous reading which reminds me of the late, great Christopher Hitchens. I miss him. Who cares about this dumb book, Hitchens is gone, which sucks. Anyway, some people are slaughtered, as per usual.
Samuel continues his fake reign as head god communicator person. The Israelites really want a head boring idiot person to run their band of boring idiot people. They call this hypothetical idiot a "king". This doesn't sit well with Samuel.
God works in mysterious ways... No I mean really mysterious ways. Like think of the part of your body that you would like to be MOST mysterious to other people... yeah that part. God seriously violates that part of many people in this episode. Really.
Today we finish the charmingly boring tale of Ruth, then we move on to the charmingly boring tale of Samuel, some other loser priest. Also, fck you, Rob. You're a total dck. I suppose I should just ignore it but I think I'll do the opposite. Dck.
Don't judge me but I'm pretty sick of this current book. Good thing it's OVA. However, if you were hoping that Ruth would be the action packed superior sequel to Judges that Speed 2 was to Speed, you will be sorely disappointed...
Episode 60! This is a weird one. Also, really gruesome and sad. I really can't wait to get to a part of the bible with more substance though. Pretty much nothing happens nothing happens then POW weird/horrible/gruesome story!
Samsonite... I was way off. This reading has Samson and Delilah, the epic love story! Except that it's actually not so epic.... It is really quite hilarious how pathetic the actual story is, as told in the bible. Tune in and find out!
Alright it's already late so this description is going to be brief. Pretty much this one is a tale of unprovoked, ridiculously over the top vows. Fathers, never make them.
More of the exact same crap that happens every stupid page of this dumb book. Can't even think of a reason to write any more creative a description than that.
I'm back again again again for the ninth time. Well Joshua has decided to die again, and the lord is going to teach all those scheming Israelites a lesson by sort of punishing them, then rewarding them the minute they complain, then repeating.
Long live Joshua, the one who died so quickly! Dr. Joshua Kavorkian put us out of our misery quite mercifully. Also, we're starting a new book! So far it reads like a bible but hopefully that will change.
In this short installment, nothing. Well some things but you'll have to listen to find out. Not that I'm trying to make it suspenseful or something but I truly have already forgotten what happened. Drugs.
Jesus mother of Moses, Joshua has lost it. I seriously wonder if Moses came back from the dead and wrote this part. Joshua went from 60-0 in 2 seconds. Unbelievable. I might lose my audience because god made his bible so bad. Touche, sir.
Well it was a full day of murdering for the Israelites so I certainly hope they ate a good breakfast. Sometimes it's really hard to maintain the level of killing necessary to please Yahweh without your hacking arm getting a little fatigued. Eat bananas.
Another episode of your favorite goofy, mass murdering Israelites! What will they think of next! Hijinks for this episode include luring an entire army out of a city to burn it down from within, and then murder every man woman and child! OMG, pranked!
I now worship at the alter of Joshua. This book is SUCH a relief so far. You'll never even believe what happens.... You'll never guess.... go ahead, try.... nope, wrong. SOMETHING. That's it. That's what happened. I know!
This is it.... the episode we've all been waiting for.... FINALLY it's here... if you don't know what I'm talking about, I envy you because that means you haven't been plagued by the wretchedness that is what I'm talking about right now at this very moment
Well... someday something is going to happen in this here bible and you'll feel awfully silly for not reading my descriptions anymore. Sadly, today is not that day. Nothing happens. Moses sucks and won't die ever.
This is the worst pentatuke I've ever read. I can't wait to move onto another pentatuke... or just anything else. This reading was pretty hilarious though. I'm starting to think maybe Moses made all of this up.
Alright, I've recovered from a major website hack and live to tell the story! And Moses rewards us with maybe the best all around ridiculous bit of bible yet! Listen to this podcast or you're letting the cyber terrorists win!
And once again.... more repetition once again, repeatedly repeating himself is the repetitive Moses. Again and again he repeats himself like he is stuck on a loop of repeating, over and over, not able to stop the repetition.
Moses.... uh.... talks.... eh, never mind. Nothing to report. Come back later.
Apparently not realizing that he had already written about it 2 times in his ETERNAL book, Moses proceeds to summarize everything the Israelites have done.... again... in his eternal book.... which will be around forever... he repeated himself again...
Moses is still buying time; God details some very specific and curious plans for the land his people haven't gotten around to stealing yet; women can marry whoever they want, provided who they want is their cousin.
Moses, being told he's going to die after his people destroy the Midianites, proceeds to wage the slowest war ever conceived; God makes a killing off of killing; Moses is somehow STILL alive after all this, plus 40 years of wandering, much to our dismay.
Moses is in disbelief. You work with a guy 40 plus years and he stabs you in the back first chance he gets. I mean Moses went to god's Christmas party every single year. Brought wine. Never came empty handed. And now this. You think you know a guy.
Well Bofur and Bifur have a little argument about whether or not they should kill the Israelites. God talks to one of them saying they shouldn't, but somehow this can't be communicated to the other. This is the entire reading in a nutshell. That's it.
God is SO unfair!! He gives Moses this big hard job of being in charge of everyone and getting to eat all their food and have all their money! But think about the responsibility he has to have! Not worth it at ALL! Poor guy!
Well I'm back but the more important question is where were you? I was here. Waiting for you to tell me to do a podcast. Well somehow those Jews still don't believe in Moses's god after all the miracles and murders he has performed for them... Numbers 14-17
God gives Moses and the Jews a few trumpets to sound whenever they are in trouble which will save them (how has that been working?); god lights a few troublemakers on fire because why not; Moses was a special needs child; BONUS! More names! YES!
Today's reading was very repetitive. First I read chapter 7, and it was repetitive. Then I read chapter 8, and it was repetitive. Then I read chapter 9, and it was repetitive. I read chapters 7,8, and 9, and they were very repetitive. Repetitive.
God still seems interested in talking to Moses even though Moses brings nothing to the conversation; Moses and Co. face a devastating badger shortage; also "devastating badger shortage" is redundant.
And once again... I'M BACK! God is back to his incredibly dull and repetitive ways as we start a very mysteriously named book. As page after page of infallible scripture goes by, we are left with one soul wrenching question about it, which is WHO CARES!
God rattles off punishment after punishment to expect if the chosen people decide to unchoose themselves. Meanwhile a wearied Moses wonders why he still bothers to listen to the old cook. He could have been somebody....
This bible is so boring, even the person writing it down starting looking for other things to write about. Also if murdering kids is wrong, then the bible certainly doesn't want to be right. And can you blame it?
Hey Moses, it's God. You got a minute? Yeah I just thought of a bunch more crap you can't do. Grab a pen. The bible makes the incredibly profound moral declaration that we cannot have sex with any of our relatives. I'm so glad he told us that.
Women: have you ever wondered what that liquid evil that comes out of your secret place is? Well, we men of the biblical era don't know and don't want to know. Just please don't sit on any of the good chairs! This and more wisdom in today's reading!
I'm BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!@$!%)#~!1`471289! This was fun. Let's do it again next week. Oh a summary, you ask? Well not really anything happened. There was a bit about how disgusting women are after they give birth, and then a lot about leprosy. A LOT...
After some schedule changes and stuff, I realized that it's going to be impossible for me to maintain the 5 ep a week schedule. I think I got a bit excited about the idea and got a little overzealous. I really do want to continue at this pace and finish in a year, but I have to realize it's not going to be possible.
So, I am going to have to cut it down to a weekly episode. That's right, it will now take the rest of my natural life to get through this whole thing. I could see upping this to two episodes a week, possibly.. but I think this will be for the best though, because I won't have to rush the episode to keep it at like 30-45 minutes. Since it's only one a week, I can take my sweet time. If this kills anyone, let me know. Feel free to comment here and tell me this is ruining your life.
Thanks a lot and I'll see you with a fresh episode soon, I promise.
If I had a dime for every time the bible repeated itself I would be one rich dude. God shamelessly murders two of his followers for nothing; I really can't get a handle for why god sometimes just leaves crap alone, but other times he shoots to kill...
This podcast ruled. It was so good you won't even understand what just happened to you. Oh also nothing happened in the readings. It just went over a million different reasons to sacrifice cows. Stupid. But anyway, I was awesome.
Starting Leviticus! Yay! It's out of the gates fast with the great home recipes for your very own animal sacrifice! These high fat, high cholesterol sacrificial recipes will please even your most angry god, and of course the priests take their cut...
I can't even tell you what happens in this podcast. No really. It's too painful. Just imagine the worst possible thing that could ever happen to a podcast. Yeah, that's what happened in this one. I want to punch Moses in the face harder than possible
So god is super pissed at his chosen people for being so worthless, but they are in luck because they have Moses, who has the virtue of being completely ordinary. Persuaded by Moses' mundaneness, god is appeased and accepts them back into his life.
Last podcast was the worst podcast ever created, but this podcast is the GREATEST one ever created. It's so good that it is proof of god. Because how could there be a good podcast without a god? Anyway, we get to the golden calf. HILARIOUS!
This is the worst podcast anyone has ever made. I really, strongly, emphatically ask you not to listen to it. I have never read something as stupid and boring and everything as this reading. I am dumbfounded by it. Please don't listen, I beg you.
Lots more of the pointless Law; I mean lots more; no really, a crapload more; god spells out to PRECISE detail how he needs his ark of the covenant to be made, and I wonder why he didn't take some care to protect and maintain it then...
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS!; but first a bunch of weird crap with Moses and the Israelites. Remind me again why they are the chosen people? There is NOTHING special about them, in fact they are kind of irritating, and more than a little gassy.
More episodes in the ridiculous saga that is the fake exodus: even though every one is dead in Egypt, the Pharaoh somehow gets an army to do after the Israelites; said army is mounted on horses that were also killed in previous chapters; and more recap.
God continues the pointless torture of an entire people. I can't wait to move on from this bit, it really was agonizing. So repetitive and obviously fake.
In this episode, God inflicts torture on an entire people in order to prove to them that he is God. A slightly better alternative would have been some sort of mass harmless miracle witnessed by everyone. Did God just not have the time?
Exodus is as hilarious as the end of Genesis wasn't! There's a new sheriff in Egypt and he doesn't take kindly to Hebrews; we are introduced to the SO impressive burning bush; God nearly murders Moses' son before his mom performs some ridiculous heroics.
The good news: we are finishing Genesis! The bad news: it's every bit as boring as it has been. So Joseph is pretty much king of Egypt for no reason, and later Evita/Jacob/Israel dies and all of Egypt mourns him! Right.
Joseph continues a pointless charade; meanwhile his brother Simeon has been held captive this whole time and no one seems to care; finally, we get a stirring and riveting recap of all of Jacob's children, just like we all wanted.
If you missed the part where god spelled out his commandments, you aren't the only one; Joseph continues to prove his dim-wittedness; everyone displays an uncanny ability to tell meaningful dreams from the weird meaningless ones.
Starts off pretty uneventful; more recounting of generations which couldn't be more pointless or boring. It picks up later though as Joseph and his colored coat first appear. Joseph proves to be a real idiot. Judah proves to be an immoral douche.
When he's not pointlessly naming things left and right, Jacob is busy getting busy with rent boys. Just goes to show the many ways in which the bible inspires Republican congressmen. Then things become much less funny. Really. The bible is horrible.
If you see Canaan, tell him that yes we are still mad at him for all that nothing he did; follow your dreams was meant literally back then; Jacob is living a bad porn from the 70's.... or is it a really great one...
Sarah is dead and Abraham waits nearly 16 minutes to remarry; the venison obsessed Isaac gets himself kicked out of every town from here to Beersheba for just plain being too awesome. Don't ask him to tell own sons apart, though.
Abraham is a murderous psychopath; God is a forgetful moron whose hobbies include asking questions he already knows the answer to, and putting people through bizarre tests of faith he already knows the results of.
Genesis gets raunchy... you won't even believe the kind of crap that happens in this episode. Warning, the subject matter gets a little gruesome. Ok you are warned.
The bible takes a turn for the boring, but is revived by some good old fashioned polygamy. Also, I misspoke and said validify instead of validate.... I'm still feeling embarrassed.
In part 2 of indeterminable, God is on his period and decides to kill everything ever, meanwhile Noah gains favor with the lord for being completely average.
I have released the introductory podcast and episode 1. I will be releasing an episode per work day from here on out. It's about a 45 minute podcast per day, which may be a lot for some of you, but in order to reach my goal of getting through the bible in a year, it has to be that way. Please listen and enjoy!!
Ok I just re-listened to Episode 1 and I'd just like to say that it definitely took me a minute to get used to this medium. I still think it is funny and worth listening to, but I get much better at it as I go along! So bear with me!
Episode 1 of Thomas and the Bible. Things get a little heated in the garden of Eden. Adam and Eve can't find a damn thing to do. Meanwhile, God is worried that the Holy Ghost is not the woman he thought she was.
In this introductory podcast I talk about the purpose, my goals, my background, and some things we need to keep in mind going forward.